22. Writing the three centres ...

Summary

Another way into hearing your whole self speak is to write from each part in turn.

I wanted to write about writing from your whole self today, but something's come up. My eldest daughter has to make her choices for her final school year.

She wants to study French at university, and is completing her French Higher (Scottish exam system) this year. Next year she wants to take the Advanced Higher, and has been discussing it with her supportive French teacher.

Unilaterally, the school has decided not to offer the Advanced course because so many children want to take the National 5 French course (two years earlier) that it fills the timetable. In other words, they are prioritising children coming into the French stream over those wishing to complete the French stream.

That's the context; it's not actually what I want to write about.

I want to write that I am shaking; as soon as I raise my fingers over the keyboard, they tremble and I hit multiple keys at once. I am furious that my daughter and her classmates have been put in this position. I am livid.

In other words, my body is running a higher (and potentially more destructive) energy than it usually has to. I want to shout at the head teacher, and at the same time believe that makes me both abusive and impotent. What I really want is to tell him calmly to correct the matter, and then he just does it. But my system is preparing for conflict, and I'm not good at that. At least, I don't enjoy it.

Considering this from the three centres

Part of working with the three centres is figuring out the point of view of each, so I tried to write about why it's important^[1]:

Head

The further Tilly takes French at school (a) the better she will be at it, and (b) the more likely she is to impress her choice of university. Good school results support good university results support a good future.

This is becoming a school in name only if it does not offer a single foreign language to completion.

Heart

Tilly enjoys French more than any other course she's taking. Everything else is alright. Only French is good. Already, as this news has arrived over the weekend, we've seen a drop in her energy and motivation. Her heart has taken a knock.

I love Tilly. Her enthusiasm brings my life to life. Her joy is my joy. Her adventures are mine. Her pain and upset are also mine.

Hara

I am going to change this. I don't know what that looks like, and I don't know what resistance I will face, but I'm going to get our children Advanced Higher French lessons back in the timetable.

Speaking up from the centres

I am using yesterday's speaking exercise, with a couple of small twists. Firstly, I am playing with the statement to help me craft it more effectively. Secondly, because I have so much energy in my system at the moment, I'm walking across the room before speaking to the wall. Walking from a particular centre usually gives me information about it.

Head

Prompt: Tilly's grades, certificates.

I want Tilly to take Advanced Higher French.

It sounds real and right, but doesn't carry weight with it. It can be ignored. I spoke quickly, intently. My neck was tight and I was leaning forwards, tight, scared of letting the intensity off, i.e. holding on for structure.

Heart

Prompt: My sadness; Tilly's joy.

Let her take her French.

I walked over without words in mind, and this is what came out of my mouth. I spoke more quietly, but it came from deeper within my body. It carried the weight of feeling with it. I felt the ache in my chest.

Hara

Prompt: Solidity, stability

Tilly's taking French.

I started speaking before I quite stopped walking. My voice dissipated as I spoke. There was firmness, but not enough. I stopped breathing, as if I was shutting off my heart so not to feel it. I could feel the challenge to their authority in my words.

Head, heart and hara

Like three traffic-lights on all at the same time.

Tilly needs to take French

I walked over more unified. When I spoke it was more unified. Impactful. I could stay with this for as long as necessary, and all three centres were online. Statement of fact.

Head, heart, hara and space

All traffic-lights on at once. Then I invited others to join me – to stand with me.

Reinstate the French for all of them

I walked over unified and calmly. I had the sense of support from others in the same situation. When I spoke, my voice was for everyone. We walked forwards holding hands; I had their hands on my back. I could stay with it and feel it throughout.

Conclusion?

I am still angry and impatient (I'm waiting for the school to call me back). But, rather than that anger being all I'm aware of, I have re-connected with my love for Tilly and her love for French. I have experienced that this involves other people too who want to continue their French study.

I am more centred in my anger than previously, and as a result I expect to deal with the phone call more effectively than I would have done earlier.

Fingers crossed!