18. The quality of your desire

Summary

We do or we don't want things (actual things, or relationships, or ideas). We desire them, or we avoid them or we fear them. Any which way, we are in a relationship with the thing as we see it. Just as we might be in a relationship with another person (happy/loving, unhappy/disliking, etc).

A relationship has two ends of the connection: me (I) and the other (It or Thou). Since we are one part of the whole, working on ourselves is working on quality of the relationship. But recognising that the relationship exists and can have a good or bad quality when the Other is merely a thing can be tricky.

Let's play

Find yourself a quiet spot where you won't be interrupted. Put an object in front of you. What it is isn't as important as what it represents. Pick a neutral object so that you can project your thoughts and feelings onto it (I have a small empty cardboard box for this purpose).

Round one

The first round is getting to know your tendencies a bit. Just notice what you notice.

Wanting

Want that box. Desire it. Allow it to represent anything you do want or desire. Leave a little bit of attention for you – how does it feel to want? Does your weight shift forwards in your body? Does your head lean towards it? Do you sense an excitement, a tingling?

Does any part of you tighten or pull back from that wanting?

Not wanting

Don't want that box. Perhaps even be reviled by it. How does that show up in your body, your posture, your breathing? Is there any spark of sadness or anger?

Is any part of you relieved by this? Does any part of you feel safer?

Neither wanting not not-wanting

Allow the box its own personality. If previously your desires have given meaning to the box, recognise that it now has meaning and a life of its own. Notice how you feel sitting in front of this independent entity, with no inclination towards it nor aversion from it. How does this manifest in your body? Is it familiar? Without wanting and not-wanting, what is your relationship to the box?

Wanting and allowing

Building upon the box's previous state, can you want it again whilst respecting its independence? What does it feel like to want (i.e. have your own meaning for) the box and recognise that it has its own existence with or without you?

Four different states

Wanting activates my chest – I want from my heart, you might say. But I find that I tilt towards the object of desire and that doesn't feel safe. I lose my standing. The wanting overwhelms me, like a hot lust. As a result I've learned that I thwart wanting - it's not allowed because it's dangerous; it divides me. My imprisoned heart aches in my chest.

Not wanting feels safer to me. I'm more accustomed to not allowing myself to want. I still want from my heart, but it is held in my chest, and that slight tightness feels familiar. This is a more coherent body - the push forwards is balanced by the pull backwards. My desirous heart quietens, and the gaoler is now my protector.

Neither wanting nor not-wanting transforms the box. No longer the object of my desires or repulsion, it can be itself and I can be respectfully curious. That is a relationship of ease. I can be with the box, without being pulled into its orbit or repulsed away from it. I can be in its space; it can be in mine.

Wanting and allowing: peace, delight. A relationship of love without attachment. Enjoying without needing affirmation. And knowing, knowing in a deeper place, that the right thing will happen when the time is right. What a relief!

Round two

This time allow the box to represent a specific thing or person or idea. Again, work your way through wanting, not wanting, neither wanting nor not-wanting, and wanting-and-allowing^[1].

Of course, when you have a specific thing in mind, you're working with a live wire and there's an attention-grabbing story running along it. It will seek to distract you. See if you can stay with noticing the subtleties as they show up in your body – your stories will try to drown them in noise, so listen carefully and deeply.

Time for a cup of tea?

In part 1, I reflected – using a cuppa – how I over- or under- reach for things I want. How my interactions are thus just off slightly. If I drove using this method, I would park my car by bumping into a wall.

In part 2, I wrote about how the hand works, and how we can reach for and release onto what we want. Releasing to hold is a much more efficient approach, requiring less effort and creating greater precision.

In part 3 (today), I have been thinking about how the motive desire originates and is structured in my body.

Is that an own goal?

I am here. My goal is over there somewhere (in space or time). Part 1 encourages precise mind - knowing exactly where I'm aiming. Part 2 looks at the effort involved, and how we can be more effective and therefore more efficient. Part 3 considers how we set off towards our goal, what we're inadvertently bringing with us.

To hit a target with a bow and arrow, you will need the following:

• a bow and arrow
• a target
• a correct posture
• strength to pull on the bow
• keen eyes to aim with
• an effective release to let the bowstring go cleanly
• a calm body that can stretch between wanting and allowing
• a mind that can focus on the one point, but that never leaves the body behind